I'll Be Here
by SHERlockedFangirl
Summary: Sherlock is face with a huge, life changing decision, but he is still haunted by his memories of a life he had before, a life he has shared with no one.


It's been a while since I've written,I'll admit I just lost the will to sit and write. But recently my love of writing has been completely reignited and I just had to start again! This story was inspired by a beautiful song called 'I'll Be Here' from the Musical Ordinary Days. I can't listen to this song without crying, and therefore I cried whilst writing this (I'm just emotional). When I heard this song, I could just picture it as a Sherlock and John story. I hope you like it! Comment and let me know xx

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Sherlock finally bought himself to dial the number he had been avoiding for the past week. He knew that his absences had not been received well, but he'd needed time to process and come to terms. Despite what Jason believed, he was very in touch with his emotions, and over the past week they had been too overwhelming. But Jason deserved an answer, and an explanation.

It surprised Sherlock when his boyfriend picked up, it being 3am.

"Sherlock?"

"Hello Jason."

"Babe, where have you been? I've been so worried."

"I'm sorry, I just needed some time to think. And now I think I owe you an answer."

"Sherlock, you owe me nothing, I should have talked it through with you before, but I'll admit I was expecting a different reaction."

"It surprised me."

"No shit. Where are you? Are you safe?"

Sherlock felt his heart swell slightly, even after a week of no contact after quite possibly the biggest question he could ask Jason was still worried about his wellbeing.

"I'm fine, I'm safe."

"Should I come and get you?"

"No!" Sherlock almost lurched forward in panic. "Jason, please, I just need to do this over the phone."

"Babe, you're scaring me." Sherlock could hear the worry in his voice.

"Did I ever tell you anything about my life before I met you?"

"I know about your family, but not much else. I just assumed you were a private person, I didn't want to pry."

Sherlock felt tears prick in his eyes, Jason cared about him so much. "You're too good for me."

"I think it's the other way around." Jason sounded like he was laughing and crying at the same time.

Sherlock took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerve before showing Jason a side of himself that very few people had seen.

"I want to tell you about John."

Sherlock heard a gasp. Jason had known of his existence, but Sherlock had never allowed himself to talk about John.

"We met, of all places, In front of Tesco's some infuriatingly cold winters day. The kind of day that made you worry about your fingers and toes because you've lost all feeling in them. I was simply walking by on the way to Mycroft's to have dinner with our parents. As you can imagine, I was in a foul mood."

Sherlock could hear Jason snort on the other end of the phone, the sound made Sherlock's lurk quirk up in a quasi-smile, before succumbing to his memories.

"I had stayed with Lestrade the night before, and was therefore thoroughly unprepared for the weather, so he let me borrow one of his jumpers. I wore it under my coat. It was not a flattering look."

"You do hate jumpers," said Jason.

Sherlock closed his eyes as a stabbing sensation went through his chest. He didn't hate jumpers, just the opposite, but Jason didn't know that.

"Jason, please let me finish because if you stop me I might never her through this." Sherlock's breath caught as he felt his emotions overwhelming him again. Jason remained quiet, and Sherlock loved him for that.

"There was ice everywhere, and I saw this man slip on the ice holding two bags of shopping that were full to bursting. He was obviously stocking up due to the weather."

Sherlock pictured the scene with perfect clarity. The small, unassuming but absolutely beautiful man losing his balance on the ice and falling, Sherlock rushing to catch him but only just missing, their eyes meeting, the immediate connection that Sherlock had felt. The man had golden blonde hair that was gently greying around the temples, the fringe swept across in a slick style that made the man look utterly perfect.

"He slipped and fell and dropped almost everything. I ran over to help him pick everything up. He told me that I must have been his knight in woollen armour. He had the most appalling sense of humour, but he made me laugh. The first thing he said and it made me laugh."

Sherlock could feel himself smile at the memory. He longed to hear that voice again.

"He couldn't stop thanking me, and I thought it was sweet. I smiled and started to turn to leave, but he stopped me. He turned me back around and looked up at me. I hadn't realised he was shorter, but that didn't think it made any difference to how beautiful I thought this man was."

There was a small gasp of surprise from Jason, and Sherlock knew it was because he so rarely expresses interest in anyone so quickly.

"He looked at me with this confident little grin and asked 'hey, _whatcha doing tomorrow_?' I asked him why, and he said ' _I'll be here on this very corner at seven if you wanted to go for dinner. And just in case there are two guys waiting for you, my name's John.'_ He held out his hand to me and I shook it. His hand was warm, despite the cold, and soft, like worn leather. He let go and walked away, but just before he got around the corner, he turned back and waved."

Sherlock remembered how happy he had felt as he continued to walk to Mycroft's. How he couldn't stop smiling and how his parents had kept asking him about it over dinner until Mycroft had loudly deduced his day, causing him to blush furiously and spend the rest of the evening in a sulk.

"Obviously I went back to meet him that next night. He intrigued me, I'd never met a man like him before, and I honestly just wanted to see if he would actually show up. I got to the corner and there he was, jacket pulled tight because it was still bitterly cold. He took me to dinner."

It was the first time he had ever been to Angelo's, a tiny Italian restaurant tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the main streets of London. John had held open the door and pulled out Sherlock's chair, the shining of example of a perfect gentleman. The food had been amazing, but the company was better. John was funny, intelligent and managed to hold Sherlock's attention all night. Sherlock listened to John's stories all night, watching how his face beautifully expressed all of his emotions, and how the candlelight reflected in his eyes made him look almost mythical. He was the most interesting person that Sherlock had ever met, and he was smitten.

"He kissed me goodnight and we exchanged numbers. The next week we went to this terrible play. We spent the whole journey home just laughing at how awful it had been, but it was one of the best nights of my life. The week after that I came down with a cold, so he came over to take care of me, and we spent all day drinking hot chocolate. He bought me my scarf, my blue one, and told me that it would protect me from getting colds ever again, which I knew was stupid but I never took it off. It was on this day that I realised I loved him."

Sherlock had fallen hard and fast. They moved in together after two months, settling down as a couple in John's tiny flat, but they were happy. They were introduced to each other's friends and families and everyone had commented on what a sickeningly cute couple they were. And they were right, Sherlock and John were absolutely besotted with each other.

"After about nine months had passed, he looked at me one night and said _'hey, whatcha doing the rest of your life?_ ' He got down on one knee and produced a ring from his pocket."

Sherlock remembered each and every word John had spoken to him.

" _William Sherlock Scott Holmes, I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life proving this to you. I'll be here, right beside you as long as you want me. There is no one else I want to spend my days with, and I have never wanted something so much. This might sound crazy, and I know we've only known each other a short time, but I'm pretty sure you're the one. Will you do me the honour of letting me call you my husband?"_

Sherlock remembered about how had cried that night, the tears had flown freely down his cheeks as he listened to John's carefully crafted words. He remembered falling to his knees in front of John, bringing John's lips to meet his in a kiss as he whispered the word 'yes' over and over. Their life together had just begun.

A few tears escaped form Sherlock's eyes as the memories flooded his head.

"Sherlock? Are you still there?"

Sherlock jumped. He had forgotten about Jason. He had forgotten that things had now changed.

"Yes, sorry."

"Did you get lost in your head again, love?"

Sherlock laughed, but it was bittersweet. John used to say things like that.

"Yes, I supposed I did."

"Do you want to stop?"

"No, I need to tell you this now."

"Okay, take your time, I'm not going anywhere."

Sherlock paused to compose himself before he continued. Jason had never heard any of this, and it was a large deal to hear of a whole other life of someone you thought that you knew well.

"We got married in September, which was our favourite month. When I say it was our favourite I mean that it was John's favourite and therefore mine by proxy because I believe favourites to be a pointless construct."

Sherlock heard Jason laugh, and he smiled. He liked making Jason laugh, just like he had liked making John laugh.

"We got married in Mycroft's office, and just to annoy him we'd hired this rock band to play. It was hilarious watching his face when we showed them in. It was a perfect day. After we married, we moved into our own apartment on Baker Street."

Baker Street is where Sherlock had hidden himself away for the past week. It was a sacred place to him, a place that he hadn't shared with Jason. Baker Street was for him and John.

"We talked about getting a dog. John like bulldogs and I liked Irish setters and we couldn't settle. We even spoke about children, but decided that we shouldn't have children until we had settled on a dog. We should have just bought a bulldog."

It had been one of the biggest regrets of Sherlock's life.

"It seemed that our first anniversary came around so quickly. We promised to take the day off from work to spend with each other."

They had planned to do nothing but lay in bed all day, just drinking each other in and lavishing each other with words of love and comfort and home. It was supposed to be the happiest that Sherlock had ever been.

"But he needed to stop into work that morning to sort out some paper work, and I let him go. I didn't even question it."

Sherlock choked on his words. He should have made John stay. If only he had made him stay.

"John loved these little fruit tarts from a Bakery just up from the surgery where he worked, so I walked to it wanting to surprise him at work with them. I heard people whispering about an accident, an explosion somewhere nearby. I thought it was a hoax, but then I saw huge plume of smoke and the sirens were everywhere, they were surrounding me and I just had this feeling of dread in my stomach. I couldn't bear to run towards it, so I ran away. I ran home."

He couldn't stop the tears as he recalled the worst minutes of his life.

"My phone had a voicemail on it. And I didn't want to open it but I had to, I just knew who it was and what it was. That voicemail were the last words he said to me."

Sherlock couldn't hold it back any longer. He let go. He sobbed, great cried wracked through his body, an animalistic cry of anguish that was just as painful to hear that it was to experience. He still had the voicemail, he couldn't bring himself to listen to it again, but he could never delete it. He had it memorized.

 _"Sherlock? Shit. I don't have long. There's someone here and he's got… It doesn't matter. I need you to know that I love you Sherlock, so very desperately. You have been the best thing to ever happen to me and I never want you to forget that. I'm sorry we won't get to celebrate our anniversary. I love you darling, so, so much. Goodbye Sherlock, I love you."_

He took a long, deep breath, trying to calm his crying enough to say, "sorry," to the man who was still listening at the other end of the line.

"It's okay. It's okay babe. I'm so sorry."

I was obvious that Jason was feeling almost as anguished as Sherlock.

"I didn't mean to ruin your evening by brining all of this up."

"You didn't."

"You're probably wondering why I called you tonight after a week of silence."

"I am, but you don't have to tell me."

"Something happened today that scared me. I was walking around and someone dropped papers from their window, and it created this huge storm cloud of white, and it just reminded me of the smoke. I started to cry right there in the streets."

Sherlock had felt the pain as acutely as he had on that day. He stood frozen in the street, crying at the sight of the paper in the sky. He remembered John and their life together, and he felt overwhelmingly guilty that he had allowed Jason into his life, into his heart. He had held onto his wedding ring, which he wore on a chain around his neck, hidden, never letting Jason see.

"The most illogical thing happened. I heard him, John. I could hear him as clear as day, as if he were stood right next to me. And he said ' _Sherlock, you're allowed to move on, it's okay_.' Jason, he knew what I was thinking, he knew. And I know I sound crazy right now, but I promise that its true."

John's voice had echoed in his ears and Sherlock had desperately held onto what he assumed was a hallucination. He didn't care, he needed to hear John's voice.

' _I'll always be here, Sherlock. Even if you decide to get rid of my favourite jumper._

 _Even if you go out on my birthday this year instead of staying at home and letting all of life's moment's pass by. You don't have to cry anymore._

 _I'll still be here when you start going back to the places that we went together._

 _When you take off my ring and let yourself smile._

 _When you meet someone handsome and patient and true._

 _When he says that he wants to be married to you._

 _When he calls you one night and he meets you in town and you finally answer him...'_

"Yes."

"Sherlock, what-"

"Yes Jason, I will marry you."

"Sherlock-"

"I will give you a piece of my heart. I can't promise all of it, but I can promise that what I have, I give to you. It's been so long, butI'm ready to start."

"Are you sure? Sherlock this is a big step and after what you just told me-"

"Jason, I love you. I'm ready."

"Oh my god Sherlock, I love you too. I love you so much. Please come home."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"I'll see you soon."

"I'll be here."

Sherlock's breath hitched as Jason used that oh so familiar phrase that came so casually, but meant so much more.

Sherlock put his coat on and wrapped his beloved scarf. He looked around the living room of Baker Street, so full of memories, and knowing that this was likely to be the last time he came here. He was starting a new life with Jason.

Just as he turned to leave, John appeared in front of him, in the semi-translucent way that all hallucinations do. He walked up to Sherlock, bringing his hands up to cup his face, gently running his hands over his cheekbones. Sherlock could almost feel the warmth that he remembered from John's hands. The tears began to flow again as his heart burst from a mixture of pain and love.

" _Congratulations, Sherlock."_

Sherlock half laughed half sobbed.

"I miss you so much, John."

 _"I know. I'm so proud of you Sherlock. I'm so proud of everything you've done. I'm so proud that you carried on living. I'm so proud that you let yourself love, that you let yourself be happy."_

"I love you, John. I will always love you."

 _"I love you too, Sherlock."_

Sherlock closed his eyes to savour the moment, this precious time he had.

"I don't want to ever forget you. I don't want to ever be without you."

 _"You won't be darling."_

"How could you now that?"

 _"I'll be here."_

As Sherlock opened his eyes, John was gone, but that was okay. Sherlock wiped away his tears, smiling now. He opened the door, and walked towards his new life with Jason, but it was okay. Her knew John would always be here.


End file.
